These words hit home like crazy, as my mother and her death last summer still hang heavy over me. I can’t make peace with the feelings of pain and sadness, the injustice of it all, even my own guilt that I wasn’t able to really be there during her final year of life, thanks to Corona. I held her hand in the end but still. It wasn’t enough for me. It wasn’t enough for her, she didn’t understand why I wasn’t by her bedside in the hospital for a year, why I was only doing video calls and not there. Her dementia didn’t allow her to understand what Covid, lockdowns and restrictions did to keep me away from her. I still feel so much sadness around it all, like it happened yesterday.
What on earth is wrong with me? It’s been NINE MONTHS. Why does it feel so fresh?
I’ve wondered this more than once over the past months. In fact, I should be happy, she’d want me to enjoy life, I have very positive things to be thankful for… I have a meeting with my agent next week about my next book. My Blogging Masterclass begins online April 22 and students are signing up, there is buzz and great energy around it! My son is doing better at school, he’s happy, my taxes are (nearly) paid, I lost a few pounds…
Well guess what?
It doesn’t matter when things are great when we have that persistent little negative voice in our heads, that issue we can’t solve, the problem we can’t face, the void we can’t fill.
The voice overrides nearly all of the good things. Even the billions of online coaches who chant their coach-speak constantly on our ‘grams, dancing and pointing in their REELS all day to the typical, “Count your blessings”, “Manifest”, “Practice Mindfulness”… Well they do little to push the voice away as we strike yet another match and grab our sage bundle.
The best of days can be quickly spoiled the moment we listen to our pain, because listening means we have decided to look back, open the door, and invite it in for a cup of coffee which usually results in binge drinking the liquor cabinet as the voice tends to unravel everything. The losses we’re suffered, what we had to endure, what we escaped.
The negative energy from looking to the past unearths a ball of MR. YUCK, that little negative jerk on our shoulder who taunts us, mercilessly.
Experts say to talk about pain, to get it out, to confront it. I agree. But there’s an interesting truth I’ve learned only recently about voices that keep returning and it’s this:
If we have talked about it, if we have dealt with it, yet it’s the leading topic in most of our intimate conversations then we’ve never truly healed it.
Mr. Yuck is still chattering away, knocking, kicking the door at times, waiting for us to let it out and ultimately, to let it go.
I’ve learned from experience (I’m old enough to say that now with confidence) that once we address it and then let the massive ball of negativity and pain go, it heads right towards the edge of the mountain we’re on, with one destination: the bottom. Before we can turn away, it spins around with a nasty little grin, throws up a middle finger and bap! Over the hill it goes, rolling, faster and faster, collecting everything on its way, heading towards a major crash. Because once we let it go, we have to address the crash that is coming. Our emotions literally are scrambling trying to figure out what just happened, and that’s when our system almost comes to a grinding halt. Boom! Crash.
Often that crash means we’ll sleep longer, our homes become cluttered, we grab chips and candy over salads and juice, stop exercising, forget important dates, let stuff go at work, etc. Oh wait, maybe that’s just me. Anyway.
There is hope. There can be a happy ending. After the releasing, talking it out, letting go, after the crash, after healing from the crash, that negative YUCK is truly GONE.
Sure, we’ll look back from time to time and remember it, but we won’t feel enormous pain, its voice is no longer in our head. Enormous relief and strength is felt from the release that we courageously underwent and came out from, disheveled yes, but still ready to face the future.
This is when you really grasp the true meaning of these words with greater clarity than ever before:
YOU FUTURE NEEDS YOU. YOUR PAST DOESN’T.
Later today, I have an appointment to talk to someone about my mom, to let the negative energy out and to push it over the mountain. My future needs me. We all have to tell ourselves that. We owe it to ourselves to heal whatever is hurting us. And if we cannot heal it because we’re in it, we owe ourselves compassion until we can.
My pain is losing my mom. Someone else’s pain may be having to leave Ukraine with no clue of what’s next, your pain may be a divorce, a cancer diagnosis, ongoing depression you just can’t beat, your baby dream never coming true, your business failing. No one can judge your pain or mine, it’s still valid and very real.
What do you need to let go? What keeps popping up for you? What is your pain point? You can answer this privately of course, but answer it no matter what.
And with that, I will wrap up and wish you a wonderful weekend. Lots of love, lots of healing, and lots of faith that everything, ultimately, will be alright.
Love,
Holly
